Slowwww Down

Week 2, 3 and 4 results are in:

Week 2: z –4  B-6   S-8

Sal came back with a vengeance.  He slammed me with a steel chair, shoved a few $100 bills in my unconscious mouth and stole the belt. 

Week 3: z –2  B-9  S-8

Billy Ice comes off the top rope and takes the title back.

Week 4: z–5  B-7  S-7

Sal built an early lead, but Bill completes a wild comeback with the prime time sweep and ekes out the tie to retain the belt.  Sal starts a scuffle in the post-match press conference and is held back by a half dozen officials while screaming for a rematch.  Week 5 promises to bring fireworks but for now let’s talk a little more about the state of the league.

Can we slow down on the NFL-is-in-decline-let’s-knit-pick-every-little-incomplete-pass-and-overcriticize-it movement?  Take week 2, Thursday night: Houston at Cincinnati.  The consensus reaction was predictable:

That game was unwatchable.  The NFL is going downhill.  Why should we watch these crappy teams?

To my point from before, what are we really looking for here? The league’s current CBA took steps to improve player safety by reducing practice time and trimming down the offseason, and it has led to some rusty play early in the year.  You could argue some of the rules need tweaked to try to tighten it up a little, but the season ebbs and flows.  It’s fine.  We’re starting to get a little too needy.  If a game isn’t a 35-28 shootout with 75%+ completion percentages on both sides of the ball, it’s bad football.   Don’t like it?  Fine.  Go watch Robin Lopez fire up 3’s over the outstretched arms of Greg Monroe for six months of meaningless games.  I’ll be enjoying Geno Atkins rip through two o-lineman before smashing into Deshaun Watson sending him flying back 10 yards or watching Watson scramble around and slither 70 yards down the field for a touchdown.

Crow about the exciting talent in the NBA all you want.  Even if the NFL regular season play has dipped, it is still 7000 times better than the regular season abominations in the NBA, MLB, and NHL. The league isn’t perfect by any means but until the other leagues cut their season’s at least in half to get into even the same stratosphere of regular season watch-ability maybe we should stop shoveling dirt on the NFL and keep the criticism in perspective. 

This isn’t directed at you personally.  It is a trend throughout sports media.  More people than ever are analyzing and reacting to sports news and everyone is equipped with a giant magnifying glass. The NFL regular season structure (compact slate of games crammed into four months where we can catch a quick breath each week and then drink information from the fire hose again each Sunday) has long been one of its greatest assets.  The stage is set for people to watch each week.  The season flow’s nicer. There’s more suspense.  It makes gambling and fantasy easier (two industries that drive popularity way more than anyone is willing to admit).

 

Now, in the era of sensory-overload coverage and analysis, the NFL trots out their offering each Sunday and the glare focuses so intensely on the league, eventually it starts to smolder.  Other pro sports leagues continue to flood the market with mediocre product spread out so far that the light never really shines in one spot for very long, and the same criticism isn’t looming in the air. 

Strangely, the NFL’s regular season format is almost turning into its Achilles heel.  Almost.  Almost because have things really changed that much or have we just changed the way we look at sports?  The NFL season still makes for better theater.  It’s still easier to digest weekly.  We’re just asking more of it now than we used to and we’re not demanding the same standards from baseball, basketball, and hockey.  

Yes, some improvements are needed, but instead of just deciding it’s broken let’s take a step back and enjoy what we have while we have it.  As always long live Bill Simmons.

-a fan  

The NFL Arrival: 2017

Week 1 NFL!  Is it the best football weekend of the year?  Storylines have been brewing for 9 months for some teams.  Yeah, yeah, I know, for your team it’s more like 6 months.  But for the rest of us, week 1 is like someone in our family giving birth: 9 months of buildup.  9 months of anticipation.  Fantasy draft day is like finding out the sex of the baby.  Then week 1 is the big unveiling…only, in this case there is a much higher propensity for immediate disappointment as the baby poops all over us right after it is born.

In my case this year it was the poop trifecta:  My team got shut out at home against a division rival, my fantasy team stumbled out of the gate, and my DFS bets all bombed. 

How about you, are you doing alright? Not only did the Patriots take a dump on national television, but you also were hit with a stunning defeat in week 1 of guess the lines:

z – 10     B – 8    S - 3    

That’s right, I took you down!  You did beat out poor Sal for second place, but for now I have the championship belt!

Sorry, I think that’s the first time I ever won.  I had to gloat while I had the chance.  It’s good to have the league back!  Even if it is everyone’s favorite punching bag these days.  And you!  What are you trying to do to me?  Your stance that pro sports are superior to college might be what I view as one of your finest qualities.  Then you jumped right out with your week 1 recap and hit me with a dagger in the chest… Something about maybe enjoying college football more than the NFL this year.  It wasn’t much.  You were mostly joking.  But the seed was planted.

You had a Chuck Klosterman podcast where you let him spout off about his preference for college football and you didn’t totally go after him about it.  I get it, you’re the host.  It’s not a good idea to belittle your guests even when they bring incorrect takes.  But now this..I’d hate to see you turn your back on pro football, but if it’s going to happen it can’t be at the dirty hands of college football.  I won’t allow it!

Here’s the thing, the amount of intrigue associated with any one sporting event is directly proportional to the amount of talent on the field/court/rink/course/track/foam gymnastics mat/chess board/ whatever.  Who would you rather watch, the Nets or the Warriors?  The Warriors are more interesting to watch because they are more talented.    We were fascinated with the inaugural Dream Team for the same reason.  Golf was more interesting with Tiger Woods at his peak.  The formula fits across all sports.  Even college football.  Alabama vs. LSU is better than Florida A&M vs. New Mexico. 

Yet, even when you are watching Alabama/LSU what are you watching?  5 or so NFL players, a half dozen guys that will have a cup of tea in the NFL and 10 guys that have no business on a pro football field.  To use the official Bill Simmons rating system:  they’re not good.  They just aren’t good.

 

“Can you believe the Florida St. RB ran for 275 yards??” 

What does it mean?  It’s like getting excited about a high school kid scoring 100 points in a 6^th grade basketball game.  In the NFL when a player has a 95 yard touchdown run there is a baseline level of excitement that you can count on.  When a guy jukes and leaves a defender in a puddle on the field it’s breathtaking because we have a greater certainty that it’s not just a mirage.

What are we really looking for in sports entertainment?  Do we just want to see a bunch of players succeeding at a high frequency?  If that’s what we’re going to call “good football”, maybe college football is the better choice. I’d rather watch the best guys go after each other regardless of whether it is ugly or pretty.  I’m not saying college football is unwatchable.  If I have extra time and I sit down to check out a Saturday game, I’m not saying I wouldn’t be entertained on some level, but if I had a choice between the two it’s no contest.

         

College football is quaint.  It’s fun to support your alma mater or your hometown University.  Games of the major programs are cultural spectacles.  I’ll even acknowledge they are way better to attend as events.  But that’s what a college football season is: a series enormous live cultural celebrations  

As a sports league that you track and watch on T.V. for entertainment value?  Eahh.  Think of it like it’s the NBA scrapping their model and starting from scratch:

Let’s go with 120 teams instead of 30 teams.  We’ll funnel 95% of the talent to about 20 of the teams. We’ll split everyone into different conferences with varying amounts of teams in each conference and we’ll decide each conference champion differently.  Each team will play MOST of the teams in their conference, but some of the conferences will be too big for everyone to play each other.  The teams will play an 11 or 12 game schedule.  The really good teams will only have more than a slight chance of losing 3 or 4 of the games.  At the end of the season, we’ll meet and pick four of the teams to play in a tournament to decide the league champion.  Half of the rest of the teams can play an exhibition game for their postseason.

I don’t get the appeal.  It’s a hot mess. And to top it all off, the whole racket is run by the NCAA.  Yes, the NFL has plenty of warts, but as organizations heading sports leagues go, the NCAA makes the NFL look like a beauty queen.

String it all together and it just doesn’t add up.  Sure the NFL has its gaffes, but they still have the best players and the best regular season format.  The trendy thing to do is to be disgusted by the NFL, but let’s not get carried away.  If you’re looking for sports entertainment, it’s tough to beat.  Do what you want.  That’s just my two cents.  As always, long live Bill Simmons.

-a fan

Trump You!

Dear Mr. Simmons,

Alright, the #Block Trump seed has been planted and is sitting just below the surface waiting to take the world by storm.  But while thinking up passive aggressive ways to irritate the man into self combustion, I came up with a new idea:  

Turn “Trump” into the newest four-letter curse word.  It’s perfect on so many levels.  You don't even have to come up with a context for it.  Just replace all existing curse words with "TRUMP".  The utility is endless.  It's like scrubbing the world of vulgarity while simultaneously making a civic protest.  Let's try it out:    

     

What the Trump are you doing here? 

You Trumphole.

You really Trumped that one up.

Nice one Trumphead.

Let’s get the Trump out of here!

Are you out of your Trumping mind?
Don't be such a little Trump.

You piece of Trump!

Eat Trump!     (ok, that one's weird)

Mother Trumper.     (That's more like it!)

Son of a Trump! (Whoa, it brings whole new meaning)

I don't give a Trump.

Nice thinking Trumpstick.

Trump-tastic.

TRUUUUMP!!!!!!

That guys's such a Trump.

Wipe that Trump-eating grin off your face.

That's Trumping great.

Trump if I know.

Let’s get Trump-faced.

Go Trump yourself!

Awe Trump.  We’re Trumped. 

Trump this!

Trump you!     

The possibilities are limitless.   Let’s make it happen.

As always, long live Bill Simmons.  

-a fan  

#Block Trump

Dear Mr. Simmons,

You’ve talked with various people about how handle the Trump presidency.  Most of us have taken the tact of gawking at his comments and actions and then loudly joking or complaining about it.  It is a natural way to cope, but I don’t think it is accomplishing anything.  If anything, it seems to be making things worse.  

Maybe we should start thinking outside the box a little bit.  As is always best when overwhelmed with the size of a problem or the volume of problems, sometimes it makes the most sense to break the issue down into segments and focus on one piece at a time.  If we can knock out one or two things, suddenly the sum total of the issues becomes a little more manageable.  I’m not sure there’s a better case to apply this strategy to than the s-storm nightmare that is the Trump administration.  If we all hone in on one area of the pungent sewage cesspool, maybe we can make a little progress to clear a little of the stink rather than spinning our wheels  trying to drive through it and spraying you know what everywhere.

Here’s where I think we start: Trump’s Twitter account.  It’s a steaming pile of garbage wafting over the whole planet.  Insensitive, ignorant, bigoted, false, sometimes all of the above, what if everyone just blocks Trump on Twitter?   Block Trump, take a screen shot then then tweet it out to the world.   #Block Trump (or whatever I have no idea how hash tags work).    It’s all incomprehensible BS anyway.  Intentionally or unintentionally, it has turned into a perpetual diversion that constantly hijacks the news cycle preventing him from ever seeing consequences for any one action.  It’s like he borrows money from a new bank every day to pay for the loan from yesterday.

 

Just pretend his Twitter account doesn’t exist.  If a Trump tweets in the woods does it make a sound? It is pretty clear at this point nothing he tweets will have any value, negative or positive. Nothing will hurt him politically. Nothing will cause a meaningful backlash.  Nothing will be helpful.  Nothing will inspire anyone. Then why read it? Why report it?  Whatever he puts out there is just going to be replaced the next day by something more corrosive and outrageous.  

I know, he has plenty of followers that will never leave, but maybe we could make a dent.   Hundreds of thousands of people subtly speak out, “You’re fake news!  You’re not worth the time it takes to read a 100 character tweet”.  Is there anything that would make him angrier? 

More and more it’s clear, Trump must be treated like a child.  When he acts out, don’t react to it.  That just gives him what he wants. Take the Block Trump pledge!  It could take the world by storm like that thing where everyone dumped cold water on their heads.  Let's make it happen.  The next time you hear someone ask about Trumps latest tweet, the proper response, “What tweet?”

As always, long live Bill Simmons, 
-a fan

Be Kind to Ned

Dear Mr. Simmons, 

Binge Mode is a hit!  I’ve been ravenously scarfing down every episode.  Mallory Rubin nimbly guides us through the highs and lows of each episode in a Cliffs Notes sort of way.  Jason Concepcion chimes in with all of the intricate details while his impressions really push the whole thing over the top as an entertaining recap of everything we might have missed, forgotten, or wanted to relive about Game of Thrones.  I’ve been enjoying every minute...well, almost every minute.  Here’s my one beef... 

What the #$%^ did Ned Stark ever do to them?  They pounce relentlessly on Ned every chance they get.  It started with the season one recaps.  Ok fine.  I thought they were a little harsh on the guy, but considering the end result of his actions, I get the criticism.  If he had climbed down off his horse and sparred in the mud just a little bit maybe he’d be sitting on his throne up North to this day laughing with Rob and Arya as the Lannisters futilely tried to bust through Moat Cailin. Still, relax a little.  Ned had some redeeming qualities. Not the least of which being he was a good dude. Heaven forbid we cheer for that. 

Then, to throw a little salt in the wound, your crew specifically designed a feature in the show to honor the fallen characters.  Freaking Viserys Targaryen had the solemn bell chime to mark his death.  The whole time Rubin and Concepcion were thrashing Ned throughout the season one recaps I sat gritting my teeth, but I took a small amount of solace knowing episode S1E9 was coming and poor Ned could finally rest in peace.   Once last moment of healing closure for Eddard Stark.  All I wanted was that stupid little sound bite.  Low and behold, we came to it.  I relived Ice slicing through poor Ned’s neck and what did I get?  Silence!  C’mon, really?  Even freaking Ros got the bell to dong. Ok, no problem.  Easy mistake I guess.  Well at least the slandering was finished.  Nope! The Rubin and Concepcion bus kept right on rolling through season’s 2 and 3.  “Look Mallory, there’s Ned’s body!”  Forward! Reverse!  Forward!  Reverse! “Oh look what Rob did.  He wasn’t stupid like Ned.”  “Oops, Rob blew it.  Just like Ned.”  “Tyrion is so smart, unlike Ned.”  ALRIGHT ALREADY!   In the wise words of Nicholas Cage, why don’t you cut him SOME FREAKING SLACK!  “Oh Ned, after the war he just buried his head in the sand and hid up north and left Robert by himself.”  Okay, Maester Aemon was praised for taking himself off the chess board for personal reasons.  Yet Ned withdraws to the North to run his homeland with pride and dignity after fighting a war to overthrow the entire kingdom to avenge his family that had just been murdered and somehow he’s a coward?  Yes, he allows his sense of duty/loyalty to drag his family back into the snakepit that cost them all so dearly, but let’s think a little more about why he did what he did rather than continuously spitting on his grave. “He’s an honorable fool!”  Settle down Rubin, just listen for a minute!

Ned tells Cersei he knew about her imbred offspring when she still had time to react.  He could have ruthlessly waited to spring it on her at the most opportune time.  Instead he played his cards early and he got himself killed.  On the surface it was a dunderheaded blunder.  The assertion laid out by Rubin and Concepcion was that Ned’s lack of intelligence cost him his life.  His rigid ideals blinded him from seeing his impending doom.   It was Ned’s fatal flaw.  But to channel Tyrion to some extent, what is flaw and what is strength?  What would Ned have gained from being ruthless? A longer life? Less pain? Less suffering?  More land?   Titles, titles, titles?  Familial longevity?  Honor can sometimes be confused with arrogance when at its roots it is about what’s right and good.  If Ned had played the game he might have lived longer.  He could have lived that day.  Or he could have died the next day while sitting on a toilet with crossbow bolts in his gut.  Or he could have lived for decades.  What is the difference next to a weirwood tree that will live on centuries later?  Would it be better if they wrote songs about him?  Would it be better if they wrote books about him?  What are the views of living men in Westeros to a dead man?  Ned Stark prays to the haunted faces of ancient trees. 

Only the ladder is real.  The climb is all there is.  Ned disagrees.  How you climb is all there is.  Legacy is not tied up in the perceptions of those who live on.  All we have are the things we do. Adhering to that principal to the bitter end may be perilous, but it is a risk well worth the gamble.  Care about the rest and you’re just kidding yourself.  The trees see everything.  That is what Ned believes.  That is who he is.  He deserves at least a nod for what he did and how he did it.  So let’s hear a bell toll for Ned Stark.  RIP Ned.  You have been missed.  

That's all for now.  Long live Bill Simmons,

-a fan

OT Rules of Engagement

Dear Mr. Simmons,
Billy IIIIIICE!!  I'm back!  And it only took a week this time.  If I keep this up, I think I have a restraining order coming my way.

Alright, there's been a lot of discussion lately about NFL OT rules.  News that the league passed a rule change to shorten OT to 10 minutes made everyone shrug.  What exactly are they trying to accomplish?  Does 5 minutes really move the needle on player safety?

First of all, from a pure game experience standpoint there's nothing wrong with the current overtime rules.  The drama of sudden death is preserved while taking away the ability to win on a first possession field goal knocks the importance of the coin toss down a few pegs.  Some people champion the college system.  I don't get it.  For one thing, they'd have to figure out where they are going to start each possession so the scores and stats don't balloon like do in college OT periods.  Just imagine the carnage of heads spontaneously exploding between the fantasy stats nerds, gamblers, and GM's worried about contract incentives as a 3-possession OT racks up 5 touchdowns in 20 minutes. It would be slightly humorous,
 but cruel.  Even if we decide to ignore the practical debate, the concept still doesn't sit right with me. It's like eating fake butter.  It's just not natural.

Here's what I would do:
Keep the same rules for the playoffs, but limit regular season overtime periods to two possessions. Each team gets the ball once at their own 20 yard line.  Whichever team advances the ball farther on their drive wins the game.  Field goals are off the table, and two TD's ends the game in a tie.  Purists will whine that you should have to score to win the game.  I get that to some extent, but if you look past the stigma of it, two-possession OT actually serves up the best of both worlds:

1. There will still be some drama.  Imagine having that red line on the field on the T.V. broadcast that delineates the line to gain to win the game.  Essentially, they already do that with the field goal range line, but this would be a little more intense.

2. If they really want to limit the amount of extra play for player safety, is there any better solution than this?

3. We avoid the nonsensical stat buildup.

I think that's it.  Chalk it up as the best solution.  Let me know if the Sports Czar approves then we can go ahead and tell the owners to trash their 10 minute overtime gaffe.

That's all for now. Long live Bill Simmons.
later- a fan

Durant Gets It. Or does he?

Dear Mr. Simmons,
The NBA finals started tonight.  Perfect time for a super slo-mo reaction to your Kevin Durant podcasts.

It sounded like you got a lot of positive feedback on your sit-downs with Durant.  Here are three takes from my end... please don't be offended:

1.  Why do people do player interviews again?   ..I could spin myself into the ground on this one.  I'll have to explain myself later.  Stay tuned for the "Player interviews are boring as S."  blog post.  Look at me.  Four posts in four years and now I'm throwing out teases and everything.  Don't touch me.  I'm on fire.

2. Your first Durant podcast came out and I hesitated.  But who was I kidding?  You are like pizza.  There's no bad pizza right?  To your credit, I really had no interest in listening to it and you kept me on the line for the whole thing.  I heard several people comment on how fascinating the interview was because Durant was more open than he had ever been.  Yet, from the fan side of things, I came out of it spitting fire at Durant.  I felt affronted by it.  He said something to the effect of...

Who are you? Look at me, I've done more than you'll ever do.

My brain knew what he was trying to say.  Trolls that rag on him only want to spew hate for the sake of misery when in reality he has done a lot of great charitable things for a lot of people and he was just venting.  But my heart wasn't having any of it.  All it heard was:

Who are you to comment on me?  I'm better than you.  

All in all, (despite my irrational F-you reaction) my general takeaway was that he had put a lot of thought into his life and tried to reconcile his feelings and emotions. Still, it seemed like there was something he was missing.

3. Then the second podcast came out.  Aside from the weird chewing sounds at the end, I liked it better than the first.  Durant had been through the Oklahoma City conflagration, and he seemed like he had learned some lessons and taken some strides.  Here's what I think you guys were missing.  He talked about love from fans and how the venom he felt upon his return made him rethink that relationship and question whether it was actually real.

A team to a sports fan becomes family.  Durant gets that part.  His mistake is viewing  it like it is love from sibling or a parent. With a mother, love is unconditional regardless of what you do or who you decide to play for. A fan is more like a cousin, and switching teams is like changing families.  If Durant decided to change his name to join a new family to seek out a better life, his mom would be happy for him.  Cousin Joe on the other hand would be pissed,
"We're not good enough for you any more? Screw you buddy."

In this case, not only did Durant change families, but he joined the Kennedy's and the pain seared like a hot poker in an open wound.  Kevin Kennedy is living it up in San Fran.  Meanwhile, cousin Joe Durant is back in Oklahoma sitting at the Thanksgiving table burning holes staring at the empty chair across from him.  Durant seemed to accept the anger he received, but I'm not sure he quite understands it yet. A fan's love is real.  It just isn't unconditional.  

That's all for now.  Gotta go to bed.  Long live Bill Simmons.

later- a fan